nbjrnhui3nhio3nqioh4j [30 Apr 2004|09:45pm] [ mood | better after talking to steve ] tor said i should update.. and since im home incredibly early i decided i'd do that. it's been a few months since the last time. anyways, today was a crappy day but it's behind me now, no need to dwell. tomorrow i'm working at 7am and its going to be such a long day. if i don't get to go to boston i think im just gonna flip. just flip. plain and simple. my mom doesnt understand the immense significance of me going and spending a weekend away from the pressures at home with someone who i'm totally at ease with. hopefully everything works out, i need this 1 |  one breath

sorry this is dumb [09 Feb 2004|09:01pm] [ mood | blah ] The Date Is: 2/9/04 The Time Is: 9ish I Am: being bored and filling this out My Hair Is: soaking wet and smelling good Makeup: none I'm Wearing: a hoodie and sleep pants I'm Eating: nothin I'm Drinking: oj I'm Listening To: coldplay I'm Thinking: this band is amazing I'm Going To: go to sleep soon because i'm exhausted I see: my homework, pictures, and the glow from the screen I need: to go let my dog out because he's barking, and also apologize to my little sister for being so impatient and yelling I find: that whenever i talk to allie, i realize i'm never going to find a better friend I want: to fall asleep and wake up somewhere else I have: alot of things on my mind I wish: that i could be sufficient enough for some people I love: being outside in the rain I hate: math I miss: steve. so much. I fear: i dont knowww I smell: myself. i just got out from taking a bath :) I think: im really dumb for getting all sentimental over this song I crave: a hug I search: for something i could give someone that'll do my feelings justice I wonder: what it is I regret: nothing. i never regret anything one breath

hahaha jesus [04 Feb 2004|09:13pm] [ mood | laughing ] jfloyo: man i have a lot of spider bites jfloyo: it's sorta creeping me out twilight VII: hmmm twilight VII: interesting jfloyo: i need to sleep in plastic bags twilight VII: youll die jfloyo: my head doesnt need to sleep in plastic bags twilight VII: but then theyll go after your face twilight VII: ewww jfloyo: spider repellent? jfloyo: i dunno i got nothin twilight VII: except a swollen face twilight VII: no good twilight VII: u need to find them and destroy them jfloyo: spiders dont turn into anything do they twilight VII: like a metamorphosis? jfloyo: yeah twilight VII: scorpions jfloyo: oh my god jfloyo: do they really twilight VII: HAHAHA no twilight VII: sorry jfloyo: you scared the crap out of me twilight VII: im sorry jfloyo: hahah loser twilight VII: im lauging so hard twilight VII: thank you so much jfloyo: for what? im glad to be of amusement, you know, at my expense and all twilight VII: u made me laugh jfloyo: you said scorpions and i was like INHALEEEEEEEEEEEE and didnt let it out jfloyo: oh so basically held my breath twilight VII: HAHAHA jfloyo: god i'm a tard twilight VII: yea but it was funny jfloyo: hahaha "yea" he says jfloyo: thanks jake, your awesome, really jfloyo: >:o twilight VII: love you too one breath

exhaling [04 Feb 2004|07:07am] [ mood | loved ] tonight i flipped out all over the place. i quit my job and there's fighting going on within the family. i've kept it all bottled, the fact that i didn't know what to do about any of it and then it was just all unloaded tonight and some of my best friends along with steve all listened and, just, thank you guys i love you. meechy i know i told you i'd put you in here. girl you are fuckin insanely amazing and i love you soo much. we def need to rekindle our flame ;)  honestly though, whenever i'm with you i laugh and, i don't know what i'd do without my daily dose soo it's valentines day soon and i'm really excited. i've got the best idea.. :) anyways, i've gotta go get ready for school. we had a 90 minute delay this morning so i thought it would be an optimal time to write. have a nice day everyone, peace   "Sweet like candy to my soul, sweet you rock and sweet you roll. Lost for you, I'm so lost for you." one breath

fill it in bitchhhhhh [29 Jan 2004|06:00pm] [ mood | bored ] [ 1 ] when and how did we meet: [ 2 ] what did you first notice about me: [ 3 ] what do you like most about me: [ 4 ] are we friends: [ 5 ] have you ever seen me with my shirt off: [ 6 ] have you ever seen me cry: [ 7 ] describe me in four adjectives: [ 8 ] if we could spend a day together what would we do: [ 9 ] have we ever gotten in a fight: [ 10 ] if you could give me a present what would it be: [ 11 ] would you hug me: [ 12 ] what do you really think of me: [ 13 ] have we ever kissed: [ 14 ] has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me but were scared to: [ 15 ] wanna makeout: [ 16 ] is there anything you dont like about me: [ 17 ] what makes you think of me: [ 18 ] whats your name: [ 19 ] am i nice to you: [ 20 ] have we ever dated: 17 |  one breath

life is love or a lack there of [28 Jan 2004|04:17pm] [ mood | contemplative ] when i woke up this morning, on top of not being a morning person, my school had to go and piss me off by making me go to school. but today isnt a hard day at all for me in term of classes so the whole bitchy and pissed attitude was dropped. (happy birthday cait and sarah!) i had a lot of free time to think today for some reason. i thought about where i'm at now and where i want to go. firstly, i have the best friends i could ever ask for. secondly, i'm cared for, i know that, and i will never take it for granted. and people know i care for them, most importantly. allie and i were having a religious conversation today. she believes theres something above us, as do i. there's got to be something or someone people get on their knees to apologize to and ask for help. i just don't know if there's a person i pray to, or just to whoever's listening thats surrounding me. allie and i both agree that when people die, their body dies and thats it. their presense still remains and makes the world beautiful. usually when i pray, i ask for a loved one who's passed away to look out for me, or to be with me in a time of need and not god. i don't really know how i stand on the whole religion issue. anyways though, i think its ok if you don't know all the answers because if you did there would be nothing to question and life would be tasteless. i'm sorry i'm babbling, i'm just writing down what i thought about today. it's always makes more sense to get it out of my mind than read it over. i've got to do my homework then help my sister with her puffin project.. due tomorrow. ugh. have a nice remainder of the day peeps. loveee <333 one breath

sad day [25 Jan 2004|07:51pm] [ mood | sad ] i almost feel like this is going to be a pointless entry and i just shouldn't bother with it because never will i be able to put into words what i'm trying to say. i can't say enough how far my heart reaches out to those who've been so horribly affected by tom duffys death. today when jen came back into work after the service she was beside herself and i couldnt bring myself to say anything even though i wanted to tell her everythings going to be ok. because i know when people say that to me, everything feels like its not alright and just saying its going to be is trying to be hopeful when all you feel is sadness. so i just hugged her for what seemed like forever. thats all i knew how to do. i felt helpless. i just want to make everything better for everyone and i cant seem to even do that for one person. even though i didnt know tom, i'm close to the people that did and just hearing the pain in their voices and seeing it in their eyes makes me upset. take steve for example. he's telling me he's ok everytime i ask, but i get off the phone and im not ok. because i'm not sure. no one's sure about anything after a death. and all i want to do is throw my arms around him and not let go till im at ease knowing he is. i feel so fucking selfish in needing that assurance. show people how much they mean to you as much as you can. you never know when time's up to do so. hang in there everyone 1 |  one breath

[25 Jan 2004|07:42pm] so, so in the end its not just you, with your memories and your scars fall on me if you ever forget how beautiful you are So in the end its not just you with your memories and your scars fall on me if you ever forget how beautiful you are i beleive in your words and your eyes and when you speak of your dreams i realize that I will envy whoever you give your heart to and i will never let you......fade away and i want you to know that I love you for all you are and all that you'll be So in the end its not just you with your memories and your scars fall on me if you ever forget how beautiful you are And you are one breath

about that [22 Jan 2004|05:45pm] [ mood | amused ] jfloyo: ............. are you thinking what i'm thinking? jfloyo: ORGYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Porcelain 013: HAHA Porcelain 013: my moms Porcelain 013: rite here ohhhh whoops hahaha i love you allie. i'm not having a bad time here at the grandparents which is good. it's just very chill and relaxing to be away from routine. i'm going to eat dinner now but i definately had to save that little bit of convo. it basically encapsulates our relationship. i'm always being retarded and loud and blunt and allies always like SHHHHHHHHH your being retarded and loud and blunt. i love her to death. love to my down ass bitch :) 1 |  one breath

this week is rushing past [21 Jan 2004|01:26pm] [ mood | along the lines of lonely ] what an awesome day! it's consisted of one exam which was a breeze, then came home at 10, and relaxed. jen's comin over here when my madre leaves, she wants to do a photoshoot with the infamous digital camera (heh heh). probably not going to turn out all that great considering my pj's and messy hair apparrel. oohh well. oh and i'll be staying at my grandparents house till saturday i guess? my parents are going to atlantic city. so yeah, you can find me there. i'll post lata, peace There's something about the look in your eyes Something I noticed when the light was just right It reminded me twice that I was alive And it reminded me that you're so worth the fight one breath

relieved [20 Jan 2004|02:51pm] [ mood | this song is so beautiful ] midterms today weren't all that bad, just a lot of writing. i came home and layed down for a half hour then got a phone call. everything's going to work, i have a really good feeling about this. and i was so relieved to hear that i wasn't alone in wanting something more. anyways, today's just nice, so i'm not going to waste it typing in this. have a good one everyone one breath

home [20 Jan 2004|06:19am] [ mood | a lot of different things ] i'm home :) but coming home i was patted down for 10 minutes because i kept setting the metal detectors off so i had to take off my socks and let down my hair and stand legs apart, arms out while i was searched. i felt like a criminal and i told the woman that and she was like "that's yet to be determined." i was like eeek! MI was really fun although i've gotten enough church and religion to last me for a while. we didn't eat in once, and i ate so much food it's unbelievable. everything out there is different. it's all flat and it's not very pretty compared to CT. on my way there on the plane, i couldnt get over how the sunrise illuminated the plane through the little windows. bright oranges and pinks. it was so beautiful witnessing something as pretty as a sunrise when you feel like your right next to the sun and above the clouds. jon sang to me in church in front of everyone and i couldnt hold back the tears. later in the day he asked me to sing for him since he hadnt heard my voice in three years and i did. he said that no matter what a person's outside appearance is, if they can sing their instantly beautiful. i flipped the quad which was fun! i was going too fast and their was fresh snow on the ground so it was slippery, and i went to turn and it flipped over and i went flying. oh and i met all his friends. i guess i was famous before i even arrived, everyone knew me without me having to introduce myself. it was weird getting so much attention there but on the other hand it was nice to know that jon tells everyone such nice things about me. all in all i had a really good time and i got to visit my best friend which couldnt be any less than amazing. before michigan i went out to dinner with steve at hopbrook tavern. and yet again, another perfect night. he makes me feel like i can be myself and that's the best feeling you can enable someone to feel. i've got to study now for exams tomorrow. i'm not worried about it. if i know the material as well as i think i do, i'll be fine. "And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now. And all I can taste is this moment and all I can breathe is your life. And sooner or later it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight."   one breath

ahh [14 Jan 2004|04:58pm] [ mood | hopeful ] so let's see... friday i'm on my way to michigan at 6am. and friday steve's going back to college. i just wish we had more time to hang out, i had such a good time with him. tomorrow we're going to do something so i'm excited for that :) exams aren't stressing me out this year. thank god. i've been studying like it's my job so i pretty much have everything down.  i finished packing today so i'm all set to go. now i'm just relaxing and listening to music and waiting for the most addictive mainstream soap opera for teens show, the o.c. well, goodnight everyone. have a good one   one breath

such a pretty song [13 Jan 2004|04:16pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] "I had a beautiful, beautiful time. The drives and the talks were amazing. The kind of friend I thought I'd never find. I had a beautiful, beautiful time. You have a beautiful, beautiful smile. The way it cuts and collapses on your lips. And when you touch me I shake like a child. It's late I'm afraid you might leave because sometimes it seems like you still don't believe me and there's nothing i can do to concentrate. It's so distracting always thinking of you. So I expose and explain and I meant everything that I said. It's moments like this that repeat and replay in my head when I'm laying in bed. It's a beautiful, beautiful time as you laugh and roll onto your stomach. The carpet embraces your design. My heart pounds as I lay by your side because sometimes I find that I am unable to hide all these feelings that flow in this basement and in this dim light. You look so beautiful. I'm unsure and unclear with the words that I say. I'm happy when you are near and I wish that forever could stay just like today. You have beautiful, beautiful eyes. So bright and alive and enchanting. I want to be with you all of the time. It's hopeless but I have to try anyway." one breath

[12 Jan 2004|04:23pm] [ mood | lonely ] dzb86135: 158.5 dzb86135: pucker up hahaha zach and i were talking like a week ago about him and his diet for wrestling. and i made some smart remark and he was like kiss my ass. and i was like, i'll only kiss it if you get down to 160. and he did... lol. jena and i made rediculous calls to people today. sorry jake for being retarded and somehow hanging up, did nottt mean to do that. i called robbie and in a little voice was like hi i'm putting in an order for cheese pizzas. and he knew who it was. but thenn we decided to call roy and he was like whattttt and his confusion was priceless. we called back and someone picked up and played us scottish sounding music. it was weird i got a new sweater yesturday and i wore it today. jesus can we say an unbelievable amount of fuzz balls? i inhaled a few and it was crazy. i have such a bad head cold. and thats all it better be because i cant get sick for this coming weekend. the big reuniting with my best friend :) i need to go to sleep, i'm so overtired. and bored and alone. bad combo. anyways, goodnight one breath

:) [11 Jan 2004|06:51pm] [ mood | happy ] i had the best time today. i got out of work at 1 then went out to lunch with steve then spent the day with him and i just had a really good time. i got home and my parents were like i thought it was out for lunch, but you were out for 6 hours and blah blah. dont care, i'm in the best mood and i'm not going to let lecturing piss me off. now i've got a paper to write and i dont know what to write at all. this is where i say i'll wing it. this post isnt that eventful but i basically just had to say i had a really good time today and thank you steve for that. have a nice night everyone, lata 1 |  one breath

blah [09 Jan 2004|08:04pm] [ mood | irritated ] my night was just cool. i mean, my friends are insane and it's just so awesome that i was blessed with such amazing people for friends. kurt picked me up and we went to meag's only to follow them to the center then onlyyy to follow them to get pizza and i dont know. him and i completely froze to death. we tried watching silence of the lambs but it was all fucked up so kurt and i ventured out into the cold again to return the movie and get a different one. we ended up chillin at starbucks for alittle while and i got a vanilla latte mmmm. we went back and just watched hannibal and i must admit it was pretty twisted but a good movie to watch. i came home alittle while ago after droppin my love tor off. 7 days until i go and see jon, :)! yesturday was his birthday so i called and we talked for about 2 hours about nothing really, just us being us. i've never been so excited for anything in my entire life. he's the only one who can tell me he loves me without expecting me to say anything back. like he just says it to let me know and i just really love that about him. i just have to get this out. so many fucking people talk shit in simsbury it's ridiculous. like honestly, thats all some people do. my closest friends like rob and kurt and tor and those kids would never. it's fine though, in no way do i have to be apart of it and in no way will i ever want to. anyways, i should probably be going to sleep, i've gotta be up before noon to go to work for the whole day. blehh i dont feel like working tomorrow at all. i just feel like going on that plane :) i hung out with allie tonight and jesus christ, i do not know where i would be without her. i love her more than words. goodnight everyone 5 |  one breath

today was nice [07 Jan 2004|05:50pm] [ mood | bored ] work was fun yay! steve and his friend came into visit and i was glad to see him. then robbie came in later on and we took lots of pictures with jena's digi. i'm talking to jake now. anddd i've got nothing more to say on here. 4 |  one breath

"your beautiful sky, the light you bring, it falls on me..it falls on me" [06 Jan 2004|12:54pm] [ mood | mellow ] today was pretty much awesome in my book. school was school and then i went and got my nails done again. then went to starbucks and read while sippin on a vanilla latte. then there was this woman who sat next to me and we just talked for about a half hour. she was this hippe woman who gave me all of her views on george bush. i loved the relaxedness of it all. and now it's snowing. perfection scratch the perfection, i've got homework. and my mom's really sick. she's got a killer migraine and is throwing up. i feel bad but everytime she goes to throw up i run away. me and throw up witnessing just doesnt go. i'd throw up myself. alright, moving on! caitlin made my journal all crazy and cool. i love her, i really do. she always knows how to make everything less or more, whenever it's needed. she's hot on top of that. last night i was on the phone with zach for awhile. he said he'd make me dinner after wrestling season was over so i'm holding him to it, damnit! i miss hanging out with him. even though i'm a "dirty democrat" in his eyes, he always laughs talking to me. i've gotta make dinner for the fam and get my sister ready for her basketball practice. lataaa one breath

i'd say this one is pretty subjectless [05 Jan 2004|11:54am] [ mood | bustin it out ] i always think i have such awesome things to say when i decide i want to update when really all of these are pointless. it happens i talked to steve last night, he's awesome and i hope we hang out this coming weekend since, drumroll, i'm not grounded. :) today in school i saw the kids that witnessed my little table top drunken dance number. hopefully they dont remember? they didn't say anything so hahah whateva i'm just all crazy today, i've been dancing around my house like it's my job. and i've got that swollen members song stuck in my head. and i want easy mac so thats what i'm gonna go make. i'll post lata 2 |  one breath

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